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Two days ago, it was really bad. I didn't sleep much and probably got around four hours in the end. I had stayed up with a friend and we painted and wrote. It was relaxing, but I'm homesick.

I feel really guilty when my friends want me to hang out with them when I'm feeling terrible. I hermit myself away in my room. I don't put any effort to talk to them. I'm a bad friend when I'm like this, but a damn dedicated one when I'm in an okay mood. It's always an 'okay' mood because I am never happy long enough for it to be called a happy mood.

Sometimes I'm blindsided by my depression. It takes me by surprise and doesn't let me go. I cry more than I smile when I'm like this. The world seems like a rotten oyster to me. I don't understand why I'm sad. The sadness and depression trap themselves in my mind and take my happiness as a hostage.

It rained. My mood shifted as fast as lightning. I'm still riding on that wave right as I type this. It's moments like these that remind me that there is some good in this world.

The past two days have been really amazing. I went with a friend to get her tattoo done. We had a fun time cruising around Davenport and talking. I know that I'm so lucky for the friends I have. I don't know what I would do without them.

It was my last day in Iowa City. It was rushed, but I got to see all the people who mean the most to me. It was really nice. While I was waiting for the bus, I met this older couple and both of them have Borderline Personality Disorder. It was refreshing. I was talking with people who understood. I didn't have to explain myself. They knew how it goes. They knew the mood swings, the anger, the feeling of worthlessness that I deal with every day.

They were inspiring. Relationships have been tricky for me because one day I feel like I want a solid and steady relationship, but the next day I feel smothered and trapped. Today I met a couple who deal with problems like I do and they were so in love. It was so beautiful. They weren't "perfect" or "normal." (And yes, I'm using that word. My psychiatrist tells me to lay off it.) They were like me.

I'm back in Omaha. I miss my friends, but this is what I needed. I'm home with my family.